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Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining,{{--}}but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he's crooked.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish{{--}}the rest.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you{{--}}feel that you, too, can become great.

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.

Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind{{--}}the most.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

It's not the size of{{--}}the dog in the fight,{{--}}it's the size of the{{--}}fight in the dog.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

Man is the only animal that blushes.{{--}}Or needs to.

To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.

Any emotion,{{--}}if it is sincere,{{--}}is involuntary.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The reports of{{--}}my death have{{--}}been greatly exaggerated.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered -{{--}}either by themselves{{--}}or by others.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

A half-truth{{--}}is the most{{--}}cowardly of lies.

Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts or happenings. It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever flowing through one's head.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

The two most important days in your life are{{--}}the day you are born{{--}}and the day you{{--}}find out why.

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

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